How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you catch a polar bear?
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
--------------------------------------------------------
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk?
Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk?
He tried to rape a fart.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
--------------------------------------------------------
What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
--------------------------------------------------------
He tried to rape a fart.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
--------------------------------------------------------
What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
The trash can liner bags are missing.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------
The trash can liner bags are missing.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
--------------------------------------------------------
What does an elephant use for a Tampon?
A sheep!
--------------------------------------------------------
How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.
--------------------------------------------------------
A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------
A receding hareline.
--------------------------------------------------------
What does an elephant use for a Tampon?
A sheep!
--------------------------------------------------------
How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.
--------------------------------------------------------
A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cow with and abortion?
What do you call a cow with and abortion?
Decalfinated.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.
--------------------------------------------------------
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
--------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and sits in the forest?
Winnie's poo.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
--------------------------------------------------------
Decalfinated.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.
--------------------------------------------------------
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
--------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and sits in the forest?
Winnie's poo.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you call a barber cat?
How do you call a barber cat?
Yell..."Hair Kitty!"
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
"That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!"
--------------------------------------------------------
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokenoff.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
--------------------------------------------------------
Yell..."Hair Kitty!"
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
"That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!"
--------------------------------------------------------
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokenoff.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.
--------------------------------------------------------
Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
--------------------------------------------------------
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Catch.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Kit-tea.
--------------------------------------------------------
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.
--------------------------------------------------------
Because she wanted to mail a litter.
--------------------------------------------------------
Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
--------------------------------------------------------
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Catch.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Kit-tea.
--------------------------------------------------------
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.
--------------------------------------------------------
What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"?
What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
--------------------------------------------------------
What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)
--------------------------------------------------------
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A magic kit.
--------------------------------------------------------
What kind of work does a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.
--------------------------------------------------------
A centipede with a wooden leg.
--------------------------------------------------------
What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)
--------------------------------------------------------
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A magic kit.
--------------------------------------------------------
What kind of work does a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.
--------------------------------------------------------
funny monkey jokes
Funny Monkeys Joke #1:
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family...
"Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked...
"Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet.
"The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”
Funny Monkeys Joke #2:
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper...
"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer, saying...
"That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said...
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper...
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager".
Funny Monkeys Joke #3:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said...
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Funny Monkeys Joke #4:
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.
It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar...
"Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
Funny Monkeys Joke #5:
Your monkey plays chess?
He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
......... ???!@#!$@#$!!!$%@!
Funny Monkeys Joke #6:
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said...
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
Funny Monkeys Joke #7:
Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree.
When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.
So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats.
Smiling to himself he says, "Aha! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick!”
So he hurls his hat to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey sitting in the tree.
This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically:
"HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"
Funny Monkeys Joke #8:
A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?"
So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."
"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family...
"Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked...
"Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet.
"The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”
Funny Monkeys Joke #2:
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper...
"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer, saying...
"That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said...
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper...
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager".
Funny Monkeys Joke #3:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said...
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Funny Monkeys Joke #4:
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.
It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar...
"Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
Funny Monkeys Joke #5:
Your monkey plays chess?
He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
......... ???!@#!$@#$!!!$%@!
Funny Monkeys Joke #6:
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said...
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
Funny Monkeys Joke #7:
Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree.
When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.
So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats.
Smiling to himself he says, "Aha! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick!”
So he hurls his hat to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey sitting in the tree.
This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically:
"HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"
Funny Monkeys Joke #8:
A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?"
So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."
"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
mole jokes
MOLE JOKES
Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
A: It's mole-itically incorrect
Q: What is a mole's favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole
Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication
Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens
Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled
Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis
Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses
Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize?
A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."
Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay
Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate?
A: He makes mountains out of mole hills
Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum
Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music?
A: Rock 'N' Mole
Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted
Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!
Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy
Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe?
A: The Molehawks
Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
A: It's mole-itically incorrect
Q: What is a mole's favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole
Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication
Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens
Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled
Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis
Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses
Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize?
A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."
Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay
Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate?
A: He makes mountains out of mole hills
Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum
Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music?
A: Rock 'N' Mole
Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted
Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!
Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy
Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe?
A: The Molehawks
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