A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

One man walking on the street with two penguins.
His friends get very angry when they see him and they told him to take poor animals to zoo.
Man said them that's great idea and he left.
After 2 hours they saw him again with two penguins and they are angry.
Man said "Why you angry? We been there and now we are going to cinema."

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

How do you catch a polar bear?

How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
--------------------------------------------------------

How do you catch a polar bear?

How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
--------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk?

Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk?
He tried to rape a fart.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
--------------------------------------------------------
What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
--------------------------------------------------------

How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?

How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
The trash can liner bags are missing.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
--------------------------------------------------------
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
--------------------------------------------------------
What does an elephant use for a Tampon?
A sheep!
--------------------------------------------------------
How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.
--------------------------------------------------------
A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a cow with and abortion?

What do you call a cow with and abortion?
Decalfinated.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.
--------------------------------------------------------
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
--------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and sits in the forest?
Winnie's poo.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
--------------------------------------------------------